You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
