Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
