Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
