Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
