we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
