Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
