who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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