Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
