just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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