Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
