Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
