I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
