Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
