my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
