I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
