she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
