you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
