I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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