If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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