A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
