I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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