Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
