I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
