You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
