How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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