Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
