I am midnight drunk by noon
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she told me i tasted like america
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
