I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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