I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
