If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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