Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
