I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
