how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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