i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
