I wish my penis had an off switch
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
