dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
