The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
