Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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