If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
