I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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