I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
