Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
