I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
