I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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