I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
