It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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