I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
