I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
