Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
