blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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