I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
